Monday, 17 November 2008

Strictly Oompah

There is a bit of a kafuffle at the moment out there the media land, as the staple of Saturday night-light entertainment television ‘The reality talent show’ is being hit by controversy. This is because the hordes of compliant armchair viewers, who are normally spoon-fed identikit ‘rising new talent’ performers, are rebelling against the perceived wisdom of the on screen experts.

Normally I don’t pay too much attention to these kind of shows, grudgingly accepting that they have their place in keeping the viewing masses docile, a pop culture popcorn, if you like. Recently, however, I have noticed a disturbing trend towards this pap crossing over into scheduling, where it has no business being.

The BBC have been chief perpetrators, in this dumbing down mission creep, particularly on the morning news, where I‘m subjected to the tedium of interviews of z-list personalities, who have been ejected on the previous evening’s episode of ‘Get Me Out Of The Strictly Celeb Factor House’ All the while, I’m looking on, slurping down my cornflakes in increasing incredulity, as important news stories of the day are cast aside, in favour of flagship presenters babbling away inanely, on a comfortable sofa, about pirouettes/cheesy ballads or eating raw Kangaroo bollocks. This isn’t what I fork out my license fee for, I increasingly find myself frothing away, in the voice of disgruntled Victor Meldrew type from Tunbridge Wells. Just give me some nourishing information you numb nuts, I feel obliged to mutter.

The usual rules of the Reality TV game are that the audience follow the advice of a panel of preening self-satisfied ‘names’ that make sure that the performing singer/dancer/monkey, who is most likely to make the aforementioned Svengalis, the most amount of money, ends up the winner. To compound this racket, the punters have to pay for the privilege of text voting for their favourite act, thus raking in a bit more dosh for the chancers, who in control of the television/production company, that are churning out this pap.

However, this time around, the masses aren’t playing ball, and are sabotaging the whole scam, by each week voting for the crappiest acts to stay in, purely for the enjoyment of buggering up the whole stale process. So, we are treated to the unedifying spectacle of the expert panel, getting more and more exasperated by the turn of events, pleading with the audience to vote out the weaker acts (i.e. low earning potential) and keep in their top tips (i.e. their potential cash cow)

This is the trouble with a voting democracy in action, you can fool the buggers most of the time, but occasionally they see a chink of light and realise they’re being manipulated and throw a spanner into the works. So ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ fans, carry on voting for John ‘twinkle toes’ Sergeant, X factor followers, hang your heads in shame for not following through with the strength of your convictions, having voted out Daniel Evans, described as looking like "Ricky Gervais doing karaoke" by Louis Walsh.

The only sure way that these reality shows can retain their integrity is by tweaking the format, so that the subject matter is so awful, that there is no possible way that the Svengali vultures will sniff any potential money earning streams of revenue to feast on and will slither off to peck the eyes out of some other entertainment corpse. I propose that we introduce a ground breaking show ‘Strictly Oompah’ where rotund, sweaty, Germans parp their way to a lederhosen chaffing, sound honking, thigh slapping final! Surely there’s no money to be made out of this? Is there? Monkey Tennis anyone?

This is the track listing of ‘Strictly Oompah’ by Will Glahe and his Orchestra. Design aficionados: please note that the cover design retains Phase4Stereo’s trademark high standards of quality, even if the music within doesn’t.

1 Radetzky March 2 Cuckoo Waltz 3 The Fisherman From Bodensee 4 Wiener Praterleben 5 Hoch Und Deutchmaeister Marsch 6 Aud De Schab'sche Eisebahne 7 I Lost My Heart In Heidelberg 8 Wien Bleibt Wien 9 Die Dorfmusik 10 Schutzenliesel Polka 11 You Can't Be True Dear 12 The Faithful Hussar

If any of you out there, are deranged enough to actually want to download the mp3’s of this, it can done so here…

More Phase 4 Stereo Oompah delights can be found here..é

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