Hear This! 'Hanging out with Itchy and Scratchy'

People often ask me, what's it like hanging out at Scratchy Towers? usually followed by comments such as "I bet it's just one long session of wine, wimmin' and song" "it must be one long groovy party, what with all those legendary vinyl platters being given a spin" and "Do you live your life like a superstar D.J?"

Well my inquisitive vinyl loving chums, I usually like to keep a low profile to keep out of the tabloids, but I can exclusively reveal that life at Scratchy Towers is all of the above and so much more. Here is a rare photo of myself and Mr Knackers in deep discussion, at the H.Q command centre. We've taken a short break from the non stop hedonism, in order to sort the wheat from the chaff, deciding which platters really matter and should be given a spin at the next non stop banging V.I.P rave.

O.K, it's actually a rather lovely oddity of a record, featuring a conversation between the late Bob Auger, a highly respected sound engineer and Bob Hardcastle, a leading music producer (any further information on Mr Hardcastle would be appreciated)

Bob Auger worked on "a number of high-profile public occasions both in the pop and classical fields. These included as varied events as the 1969 Isle of Wight Pop Festival, the Rolling Stones in Hyde Park, Frank Sinatra's charity concert at the Festival Hall and Karlheinz Stockhausen's concert in the same hall in the mid-1970s" He also turned his talents to some of the most famous pop songs to come out of Pye Records in the Sixties such as The Kinks "You Really Got Me" "Sunny Afternoon"The Animals "House of the Rising Sun" and The Spencer Davis Group "Keep on Running"

Hear This! 1981 Discourses Limited DCL 1224

Side One
Reinhold Gliere Symphony No.3 in B minor
John Stanley Six Organ Concertos Op 10 No 5 in A major
Ludwig Van Beethoven The Piano Concerto No 4 in G major
Carl Maria Von Weber Concertino in E flat Op 26
Franz Schubert Piano Quintet in A Major
Scott Joplin Extract from Sunflower Slow Drag

Side 2
Antonio Vivaldi The Four Seasons Concerto No 3 (Autumn)
Joseph Haydn Symphony No 104
Enrique Granados Marche Militaire
Claude Debussy Images
Edvard Grieg Olav Trygvason

In between each extract our two Bobs discuss such important matters as recording locations, The best of mono, channel tests and microphone placement, balance,multi-microphone techniques and multi-track recording, tape editing, dolby and non-dolby comparison and digital recording and the future.

As it says on the cover "Your unique invitation to join a well-known engineer and a producer talking about good recorded sound, from the early days of mono to superb digital recordings of the 1980's" Thanks for the invite gents, it was a pleasure.

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/obituary-bob-auger-1068562.html

http://wiki.ibs.org.uk/audiocompendium/index.php?title=Auger

First Men On The Moon - 40th Anniversary (repost from 31/05/08)

Last week, those clever bods down at N.A.S.A managed to land a space probe on the surface of planet Mars. In celebration of this exciting and rather tricky feat, I have dug out some souvenir singles. The 'First Men On The Moon' was released by the Smithsonian Institution in Washington D.C, which is the National Air and Space Museum. It's a tenth anniversary edition of the Apollo missions specifically the 1969 'Apollo 11' journey. It features the voices of Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and Michael Collins bouncing about on the Moon or recorded in a top secret warehouse in the Ohio Desert next to 'Area 51' if you happen to believe the conspiracy theories. This particular seven inch cost someone $2 and makes a fine memento of their museum trip. Wouldn't it be nice if other such similar institutions pressed up slabs of vinyl to be sold in their respective shops instead of the usual cuddly toys and novelty diary sets of tat that currently clutter up these cash cow outlets. I would be much more eager to hand over my hard earned dosh for a lovingly crafted record commemorating the seventy millionth anniversary of the passing of the dinosaurs commissioned exclusively by the National History Museum for instance.



The second record has the the theme music from the masterful movie '2001: A Space Odyssey' from Stanley Kubrick of the book by Arthur C. Clarke R.I.P. As all you classical buffs out there will know it's an excerpt from 'The Blue Danube' by Johann Strauss II and 'Thus Spake Zarathustra' by Richard Strauss. I bring to your attention the cover artwork which looks remarkably similar to the Phoenix Lander and considering the picture was drawn half a century ago, based on guesswork, I think it's a very accurate impression.

To see if N.A.S.A have found any little green man lurking under the rocks and dust...
http://marsrover.nasa.gov/home/index.html

Teach-In sing Ding-a-dong

It's that time of year again, when the U.K representative for the Eurovision Song Contest gets publicly humiliated with a long line of nul points from our continental cousins, except for a few sympathy points thrown our way by Ireland and the decent handful from plucky Malta (they've long memories on that island) this is an event much like Marmite, you either love it or hate it and I'm firmly in the former camp, hmm...now there's another word you often associate with this spectacle.

For the benefit of our American readers who must be wondering what on earth Scratchy is blathering on about.. a quick explanation of this event can be sought here. The gist of Eurovision is that since 1956 lots of European countries have each year entered a song, with the hope of becoming the most popular tune in the annual contest. Each member awards a number of points, up to a maximum of twelve points and it's all meant to be done in the spirit of unity and harmony.

It was taken quite seriously in the early years with many established pop stars, such as Lulu and Cliff Richard, entering quality pop songs and it was also the springboard for the careers of some internationally renowned acts, most notably Abba in 1974. However, there has always been a strong whiff of cheese to the event, with more than it's fair share of nonsensical lyrics, silly songs and ludicrous costumes. It's creditability has been a bit suspect for many a year in the U.K with the Great British Public not taking it as seriously as the organisers would like. It's nadir for the British arrived in 2003 when Jemini finished in last place with the dreaded 'nul points' This was widely seen as a backlash and an anti war protest about Tony Blair's involvement and the U.K's participation in the American led invasion of Iraq.

The integrity of the show has recently been cast into further doubt with old alliances, block voting, and traditional enmities overtly influencing the voting. This reached the depths last year as to rankle Terry Wogan so much (the much loved BBC presenter who had been the face of Eurovision for the BBC for donkeys years) that his wry commentary of the proceedings turned into ire as he all but announced his resignation from the job on air as the winner entry from Russia was being crowned, amidst bitter recriminations of undue favouritism coming from their allies in the former Soviet republics, who had strangely, nearly all given maximum marks to their powerful neighbour.

Fear not, my American friends, if Eurovision was a dastardly plan by 'cheese eating surrender monkeys' to turn us all into one big commie loving "United States of Europe" then it's failing miserably and the bickering is louder than ever..that's why we love it! This year I'm hoping for one of the representatives of the former members of the Soviet Bloc, to just lay their cards on the table and have an act performing a song called "Please Don't Turn Off Your Gas in January" before awarding the obligatory douze points.. It'll be a lot more straight forward for everyone involved..

I have dug out my one cheesy record featuring a Eurovision winner, bought mainly for the hideous cover and fashion nightmares being worn by the band. I was particularly taken with the look of the guy top right who is the spitting image of the Les McQueen character from the cult television comedy The League Of Gentlemen The sketches highlight the tragic life of the ex rhythm guitarist from fictional band Crème Brulee, played to perfection, by Mark Gatiss. The story is of a Seventies soft rock band, who entered the Eurovision Song Contest in 1981, and were nearly signed to Pickwick in 1976. Their big hit was "Voodoo Lady" and Les desperately hankers for a return to the limelight and recapture his youth.

Teach-In had a rather more successful career than Crème Brulee. Now, usually thought of as Abba clones, they were actually a successful band in their home country Holland, with three chart hit hits already under their belt by 1974 and were no spring chickens to the pop scene, having formed way back in 1969. The line up in the halcyon years had Getty Kaspers on lead vocals, John Gaasbeek (piano) Ard Weeink (trumpet, bass) Chris de Wolde (guitar) plus founder members Koos Versteeg (piano, accordion) and Ruud Nijhuis (drums)

The Dutch entry's night of glory, at the 1975 Eurovision Song Contest, with Ding-a-dong propelled them to have a hit with the winning song in most European countries, reaching number thirteen in the U.K. In fact, trivia fans, they were the the first winners under the now-familiar Eurovision voting system, whereby each country awards scores of 1 to 8, then 10 and 12, it's worth storing that little titbit of knowledge for future reference at a pop pub quiz! Their career fizzled out in 1978 after six albums but since then, the occasional reformation, with new members enlisted to fill the gaps, has kept the spirit of 75 ding-a-donging along.

As a postscript to the event, my personal favourite song from the 2009 contest, the Portuguese entry Flor-de-Lis, headed straight for mid table mediocrity on the night and my predictions of disaster for the U.K entry Jade weren't borne out as she was placed in a respectable fifth place, where as my friends' two year old daughter showed a keen ear for a winning pop tune, by dancing most animatedly on the sofa to the Norwegian entry Alexander Rybak, which blitzed the field with a record breaking 387 points. So much for my pop punditry prowess, the lesson learnt here is, next time ask a toddler if you want to predict a chart topper.

Teach-in performing their winning song Ding-a-dong at the 1975 Eurovision Song Contest in Stockholm,Sweden.



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ding-A-Dong

http://www.eurovision.tv/

http://rateyourmusic.com/artist/teach_in

George Best - Shape Up & Dance

The New Year brings resolutions about beginning virtuous activities and getting the body back into shape after the festive season of over indulgence with the food, drink and vegetating in front of the television. After an afternoon spent watching Saints v Manchester United down the pub, the event jogged my memory about a fine platter of vinyl matter, that could provide some inspiration into kick starting these healthier activities for 2009.

Yes I'm talking about one of the series of mid Eighties records called 'Shape Up & Dance' (It Takes Two) starring George Best and Mary Stavin, released to cash in on the burgeoning keep fit industry.

Now for those of you not familiar with the ins and outs of football (soccer) George Best was one of the finest exponents of the game, playing during the late Sixties and early Seventies for Manchester United, probably the most famous club in the World. He was a shy lad from Northern Ireland who weaved magic with his a leather ball, it seamed to stick to his feet until he decided to perform an audacious piece of skill, usually resulting in an exquisite goal. Debates still rage among fans as to whether he was the best player ever to grace the game, certainly he was up there among the footballing gods like Pelé, Johan Cruyff and Franz Beckenbauer.

However, his career took a sharp decline as his fondness for partying, drink and glamorous women took precedence over the football and after quitting United at just twenty seven, he began an inexorable slide into alcohol addition, that led to a spell in prison, a liver transplant and associated health problems that would sadly eventually kill him.

Let's turn the clock back the 1984 when this record was pressed, Best's endorsement still very bankable, however the brand was beginning to get tarnished with his fast living and I guess the money was drying up, thus leading to him agreeing to lend his name to such a ludicrous project as this. As you can see though, his playboy good looks were still intact and his credibility was such, that they teamed him up with Mary Stavin, a former Miss World, he was well known for dating a number of Miss World winners, including our Mary.

Inside, there was an eight page booklet, graphically outlining each aerobic movement, choreographed by Christina Brookes. Various bouncy hits songs of the day complement the instructional audio. I wonder if Ray Davies ever thought when he started The Kinks that one of his songs (Come Dancing of course) would one day be used to help work off the cellulite of housewives, in living rooms around the world. George looks mildly embarrassed to be there at the photo shoot, but still, kudos points have to be given for managing to get to cavort with the very flexible Miss Stavin in a number of intimate positions as a job. Nice work if you can get it!

Now the real horror of this artifact is revealed on the back cover where it advertises 'Shape Up & Dance' as one of a series of ten, starring various legends of entertainment like Felicity Kendal Angela Rippon, Isla St Clair, Suzanne Dando, Patti Boulaye, Jay Aston and Lulu. It makes me shudder to think what some of these records were like, still the series was a great success with accompanying videos and a double album 'Shape Up For Motherhood' also released, until the aerobic boom petered off presumably due to a shortage of stripy leg warmers.

I would upload samples of the music but it's so shocking that it's not worth the effort and quite frankly I'd rather remember George Best for his magic on the pitch, so here's a montage of his finest moments - Happy New Year...



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Best

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shape_Up_and_Dance

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Stavin

Strictly Oompah

There is a bit of a kafuffle at the moment out there the media land, as the staple of Saturday night-light entertainment television ‘The reality talent show’ is being hit by controversy. This is because the hordes of compliant armchair viewers, who are normally spoon-fed identikit ‘rising new talent’ performers, are rebelling against the perceived wisdom of the on screen experts.

Normally I don’t pay too much attention to these kind of shows, grudgingly accepting that they have their place in keeping the viewing masses docile, a pop culture popcorn, if you like. Recently, however, I have noticed a disturbing trend towards this pap crossing over into scheduling, where it has no business being.

The BBC have been chief perpetrators, in this dumbing down mission creep, particularly on the morning news, where I‘m subjected to the tedium of interviews of z-list personalities, who have been ejected on the previous evening’s episode of ‘Get Me Out Of The Strictly Celeb Factor House’ All the while, I’m looking on, slurping down my cornflakes in increasing incredulity, as important news stories of the day are cast aside, in favour of flagship presenters babbling away inanely, on a comfortable sofa, about pirouettes/cheesy ballads or eating raw Kangaroo bollocks. This isn’t what I fork out my license fee for, I increasingly find myself frothing away, in the voice of disgruntled Victor Meldrew type from Tunbridge Wells. Just give me some nourishing information you numb nuts, I feel obliged to mutter.

The usual rules of the Reality TV game are that the audience follow the advice of a panel of preening self-satisfied ‘names’ that make sure that the performing singer/dancer/monkey, who is most likely to make the aforementioned Svengalis, the most amount of money, ends up the winner. To compound this racket, the punters have to pay for the privilege of text voting for their favourite act, thus raking in a bit more dosh for the chancers, who in control of the television/production company, that are churning out this pap.

However, this time around, the masses aren’t playing ball, and are sabotaging the whole scam, by each week voting for the crappiest acts to stay in, purely for the enjoyment of buggering up the whole stale process. So, we are treated to the unedifying spectacle of the expert panel, getting more and more exasperated by the turn of events, pleading with the audience to vote out the weaker acts (i.e. low earning potential) and keep in their top tips (i.e. their potential cash cow)

This is the trouble with a voting democracy in action, you can fool the buggers most of the time, but occasionally they see a chink of light and realise they’re being manipulated and throw a spanner into the works. So ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ fans, carry on voting for John ‘twinkle toes’ Sergeant, X factor followers, hang your heads in shame for not following through with the strength of your convictions, having voted out Daniel Evans, described as looking like "Ricky Gervais doing karaoke" by Louis Walsh.

The only sure way that these reality shows can retain their integrity is by tweaking the format, so that the subject matter is so awful, that there is no possible way that the Svengali vultures will sniff any potential money earning streams of revenue to feast on and will slither off to peck the eyes out of some other entertainment corpse. I propose that we introduce a ground breaking show ‘Strictly Oompah’ where rotund, sweaty, Germans parp their way to a lederhosen chaffing, sound honking, thigh slapping final! Surely there’s no money to be made out of this? Is there? Monkey Tennis anyone?

http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/tv_and_radio/article5171116.ece
http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/tv_and_radio/article5167807.ece
http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/strictlycomedancing

This is the track listing of ‘Strictly Oompah’ by Will Glahe and his Orchestra. Design aficionados: please note that the cover design retains Phase4Stereo’s trademark high standards of quality, even if the music within doesn’t.

1 Radetzky March 2 Cuckoo Waltz 3 The Fisherman From Bodensee 4 Wiener Praterleben 5 Hoch Und Deutchmaeister Marsch 6 Aud De Schab'sche Eisebahne 7 I Lost My Heart In Heidelberg 8 Wien Bleibt Wien 9 Die Dorfmusik 10 Schutzenliesel Polka 11 You Can't Be True Dear 12 The Faithful Hussar

If any of you out there, are deranged enough to actually want to download the mp3’s of this, it can done so here…


http://musicforum.org.ua/viewtopic.php?t=0348a07190c

More Phase 4 Stereo Oompah delights can be found here..
http://audiodesignstudio.blogspot.com/2008/06/rudi-bohn-and-his-band-percusive-oompah.html

http://www.endlessgroove.com/issue4/lp4s.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Will_Glahé

Rusty Goffe

Rusty Goffe is one of the world’s leading vertically challenged entertainers. At four feet two inches, he's had a stellar career as an actor. Rusty's reached for the stars, with the aid of a footstool and has worked alongside some of the biggest names in the biz, appearing in some of the highest grossing films of all time.

Goffe’s break came in 1971 when he played the leading Oompa Loompa in the film version 'Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory' starring Gene Wilder. Read about his “Loompity me and loompity you”. experiences on this classic family movie here

Tim Burton’s recent remake starring Johnny Depp , sadly decided to cast Deep Roy as all of the Oompa Loompas using technological wizardry, leaving other actors of restricted height, out of a job.

Rusty's fledgling acting career really took off though when appeared, unaccredited, in the original 1977 Star Wars as a Jawa in the desert, a Gonk Droid and as Kabe in the Cantina scene, filling in for an actor who had collapsed with heat exhaustion.

He continued his association with George Lucas, appearing in the fantasy film Willow of which he said “Willow A Movie I try to forget. They used 470 little people from all over Europe. The majority was non-actors/actresses who along with their different languages had a lot of problems. They were quite badly treated on the set. I was one "little person" who was not in the group still with the Director. Quote "This one will have to be enlarged" Ha Ha… Ugh!”

His time on the Flash Gordon film seems to been a more enjoyable experience playing one of the guards in Ming’s Empire. He was in the American football scene, stamping on foot of player, and then sticking a sword up his rear!

Rusty has appeared in some of the Harry Potter movie franchise playing a Ministry of Magic Goblin in 'The Order of The Phoenix' and 'The Prisoner of Azkaban' as part of the Hogsmeade Choir. He has recently been filming for the latest episode 'The Half Blood Prince'

Curiously enough, his appearance in 1985 classic, Jurassic Porn, The Lust World – as an Extra is mysteriously absent from Rusty’s online C.V!

As if regular turns on the silver screen wasn’t enough, he has worked on some of television’s biggest shows like The Kenny Everett Show, The Goodies, The Two Ronnies and ahem Chucklevision as Peat the Leprechaun. He has been on one of my favourite comedy shows The League of Gentlemen playing the part of "Simba" in Papa Lazarou's Circus. However, probably the pinnacle of his career, has to be his time as Britain's Bounciest Weatherman on L!VE T.V.

Rusty plays forty two different musical instruments and he put this to good use on ‘For Your Entertainment'
where he played the organ, guitar, trumpet, post horn, timpani, gong, side drum, cymbals and tubular bells.

The blurb on the back of this record states that "At last, after many thousands of requests, comes an album featuring the many musical talents of Rusty Goffe" which is probably over egging the pudding a bit.

As you can see it was made in Rusty's younger days, at Anvil Film Studios, in Denham, England and released by Le-Marc Records. Drool in envy, as you observe that my copy is signed by the great man himself, though I suspect that every copy ever pressed was signed.

He sings three songs full of meaning: Walk Tall, Happiness, and his own composition Ten Feet Tall, which was featured on the Lord Snowden/Derek Hart television documentary "Born to be Small"

In the rousing finale, a medley, he name checks John Peel, which I like to think is a homage to the late great disc jockey and belts out Blaydon Races, which any self respecting Geordie will tell you is the national anthem for that part of the world. Somebody, speaking of Rusty Goffe, once declared: "Never before in the field of human entertainment has so much been given to so many by so little" It will nestle in my collection to be occasionally admired but never played again.

Rusty was later involved in a number one hit, playing an alien in the video of Geri Halliwell’s ‘Lift me up’ track.

Rusty will make an appearance at Movie Mania Weekend” 15th–16th NOVEMBER 2008 The National Space Centre, Leicester, U.K

He is due to appear in Snow White and The Dwarf! at The Brick Lane Music Hall, London. What happened to the other six dwarfs, is this credit crunch in action?


http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Rusty_Goffe

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rusty_Goffe

http://freespace.virgin.net/rusty.goffe/

2 Pigs 1 'Up?

Those of a nervous disposition should look away now. AVERT YOUR EYES lest your conscious be consumed by all the shame & fear in your heart!

If you were born post 1970 it's very likely you have no memory of these little chaps save from sickly 'remember the 60's - weren't they crap' video clip shows.

The product of 2 Czech immigrants Jan & Vlasta Dalibor, they were the teletubbies of the day for 11 years until they were canned in 1968. With "cute" speeded up voices & covers of popular tunes (including - of course - "puppet on a string"!) they became the first single ever bought for me.

Ahh, Bless! *pauses to vom*

It's very hard for me to rate these tracks as they invoke overriding memories for me (and for the nursery rhyme LP that I couldn't listen to the last track of cos it really shitted me up!). I leave it to you to judge for yourselves.

They say time is a healer (at least, Little Feat did) - I'm going to go cuddle teddy now.

The "Up, Up & Away" single features:

1. Up, UP & Away (Webb)

2. Doctor Doolittle (Bricusse)

3. Puppet on a String (Martin-Coulter)

4. All You Need Is Love (Lennon-McCartney)

You can hear rips of these at http://homepage.ntlworld.com/mike.chalkley/Wavs/

Sparky's Magic Piano

Sparky's Magic Piano is a record, based on the exploits of a little boy with an over active imagination. This is the second in a series of children’s audio stories featuring Sparky, an original character created for Capitol Records in 1947. The album shown is a double header with ‘Sparky and the Talking Train’ on the flip side, my copy was pressed in 1961. Henry Blair portrayed Sparky, throughout most of the series, Ray Turner carried out piano duties, the music was credited to Billy May and narration of the story on is by Verne Smith.

The story concerns a little boy who has got an over active imagination, that takes him off into a dream world, where he can talk to his piano. Sparky initially, doesn’t like taking his piano lessons, but when he starts to communicate with his special piano, he is suddenly able to play brilliantly, to the amazement of his mother and piano teacher. A concert tour follows and Sparky turns into a star, but the adulation goes to his head. The piano has had enough of this behaviour and decides to take him down a peg or two. It refuses to co-operate during a big performance, at Carnegie Hall, leading to onstage disaster and humiliation for the young lad. Sparky is brought back down to earth and also back to reality with a bump, but not before he vows to practice properly and gain achievement on merit this time.

On the flip side, is 'Sparky and the Magic Train' In this story, Sparky hears the voice of a steam train that he’s on, who warns him of impending disaster further up the track. No one believes him at first of course, and why should they, he’s a serial fibber, however he eventually persuades the driver to stop the train in the nick of time and all ends well.

The kid's obviously prone to telling a few whoppers and needs something to calm him down. To be frank, Sparky's a bit of a pain, with his wholesome as apple pie demeanour, but you can’t deny the timeless quality of the tales, which have a lasting appeal for children. Luckily, I grew up on stuff like ‘The Faraway Tree’ and ‘Alice in Wonderland’ they were proper left field fables to engage and freak out an overly imaginative youngster and reading them never did me any harm, let me tell you.

Sparky has also appeared in comic books as a side kick to Capitol’s other famous creation, Bozo The Clown.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sparky

If you feel the need to listen to it, Sparky can be downloaded here or there

One of the many pleasures of trawling for new music, is having a happy little accident and stumbling across an interesting band, that’s previously been off my radar. This is the case with Sparky’s Magic Piano, a duo from London, whose website popped up, whilst doing some perfunctory research for the above item.

Marion Turnbull and Oliver Bartlett create a D.I.Y indie-electro groove thang with glockenspiels, recorders and synthesisers thrown into the mix. The results are simple and charming pop tunes that give a warm glow, like toasting marshmallows by the open fire on a Sunday, waiting for ‘The Muppet Show’ to come on. Marion’s very English clipped vocals remind me of Sarah Nixey's on Luke Haines’ Black Box Recorder project, with a sprinkling of Saint Etienne's approach to music making, cast into the mix. They self released a debut album in 2007, called ‘Feel The Beat And Do It Anyway!’ on Melody Factory label. The single ‘Like Falling In Love’ is particularly perky and as they develop, I'm sure extra sparks will create some more spell binding magical songs, in the near future.

http://www.myspace.com/sparkysmagicpiano

http://www.melodyfactory.com/shop/

Paddy Roberts 'Songs For Gay Dogs'

Here's another one of those classic album covers, that needs to be documented and celebrated. The title is a bit misleading, in that it's referring to 'jolly' canines, rather than out and proud mutts. In fact, the only gay dog I can think of, off the top of my head, is Sparky from South Park, though I'm sure there must be other rainbow rovers around and about.

Paddy Roberts (1910-1975) was a singer/songwriter, who's act consisted of singing songs with slightly risqué lyrics, which would now be described as a bit naughty or politically incorrect. He had a very well refined laid back delivery, with a cut glass English accent, that reminds one of a John Le Mesurier or Noel Coward persona of a typical dapper English gentleman. This belied his South African roots, having been born in Durban as John Godfrey Owen Roberts, growing up in a comfortably off, professional family environment. He arrived in Britain in 1936 and began to build up commercial songwriting credentials, co-writing his earliest hits 'Angel Of The Great White Way' in 1938 and 'Horsey Horsey'. He also appeared on B.B.C radio, as part of the Tin Pan Alley trio. However, this burgeoning career was put on hold, at the outbreak of the Second World War, when Paddy joined the R.A.F and served as a pilot. After the War, he continued to work as a commercial pilot until the 1950's, when he resumed his songwriting career. He built up a reputation of being a prolific writer of popular songs, including a number one hit, 'Softly Softly' sung by Ruby Murray in 1955. In the same year, he contributed a tune called 'I'm in Love for the Very First Time' to the soundtrack of the film 'An Alligator named Daisy' which notably, gained him an Ivor Novello Award.

His career took another turn in 1959, when he met Frank Lee, the artists' manager for Decca Records, who was looking to follow up on the recent successful release of 'A Night With' Tom Lehrer comedy album. Paddy demonstrated some of his folk song parodies and was invited to record them as well so he was thus reinvented, as a comedy singer songwriter. The 'Strictly For Grown-ups' album was released in 1959 and reached number 8 in the U.K charts, shown above is the cover of the E.P release from that album. The hit tune 'The Ballard Of Bethnel Green' was awarded an Ivor Novello Award for best novelty song of that year. The follow up 'Paddy Roberts Tries Again' came out a year later and was another chart success for Paddy, peeking at number 16 (U.K) This was swiftly followed by 'Paddy Roberts at the Blue Angel' live album (1961) and finally, our album of choice 'Songs For Gay Dogs' (1963)

They don't appear to make characters like Paddy Roberts anymore. The civilised English gentleman type doesn't appear to exist any more, unless I'm just too common to hang around in such elevated circles. His mischievous humour, harks back to a time where 'manners maketh man' but also mischief could made, with the inclusion of a double entrendre and a 'nod and a wink' could loosen a stiff upper lip or two. Paddy promised us on the sleeve notes to this album that THIS IS A VULGAR RECORD, what he actually delivered was a CHARMING SNAPSHOT of a more refined era of British humour!

Track Listing of 'Songs For Gay Dogs'
Side A
1. Three Old Ladies
2. Down in Drury Lane
3. Don't Use the WC/Gentlemen Must Refrain
4. Ten in a Bed
5. Foggy Foggy Dew
6. Lady Jane
7. How the Money Rolls In
8. Woodpecker's Hole
9. Turn Over

Side B
10. Virgin Sturgeon
11. Elsie Elsie
12. Sweet Fanny Adams
13. Sammy Hall
14. Whore of Dunblane
15. Cow Kicked Nelly
16. Little Piggy
17. That's All for Now

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paddy_Roberts_(songwriter)

A comprehensive biography can be found at www.sterlingtimes.org/paddy_roberts.htm

Paddy is covered and can be heard at bootsalesounds.blogspot.com

Wild Oates

What do you do when you come across an album cover featuring a trio; all wearing a 'Tommy Cooper' Fez, two of them wearing some sort of psycho ward hospital gown and one of them being vertically challenged? answer: you snap it up pronto, of course!

Wild Oates were a three piece comprising of...

Col Roberts on vocals/bass guitar/trumpet/ euphonium

Glen Forrest on vocals/guitar and banjo (wearing the shorts)

Big Mick on vocals/drums/percussion (I'll leave for you to work out which one he is in the photo)

I can't find any reference to this on t'interweb so it's beholden on me to give it a proper write it using as much information I can muster from the record itself. Wild Oates were sowing their seed in 1979 when they cut this keepsake at Box Studios, Heckmondwike in Yorkshire. The music is cabaret with a touch of the vaudeville's. I'm guessing that they covered the workingmens clubs and pubs of the North of England. I bet they were great entertainment and I can imagine them doing an audition in Peter Kay's 'Phoenix Nights' club. It's wonderful that private pressings like this, capture the spirit of a very important part of English social/musical history. The traditional cabaret scene is disappearing fast and needs documenting properly before all these clubs are closed down or converted into soulless chain pubs. Needless to say, the cover versions are massacres and the comedy songs aren't very funny, but somehow I doubt that mattered, on a boozy Friday night in a smoky club, as the glitter ball sparkled and you necked your eighth pint of frothy ale served in a proper glass. I shall treasure my copy, which is signed by two of the members (Col didn't deign to autograph this artifact) but will I listen to it again?, as Captain Oates sort of said "I am just going to put it outside, and may be some time" (before it gets played again)

Side 1

Old Bazaar In Cairo
Sunny
Cowpunchers Gun
The Most Beautiful Girl In The World
Don't Cry For Me Argentina
Old Shep

Side 2

Down Our Street
Did You Ever
Little Green Apples
Folsom Prison Blues
Marsden Cuckoo
The Show Must Go On

Pub Quiz Time! What's the best ever Fez related song in rock? answer: The Fez by Steely Dan, Of course!

Tony Fayne

One of the most interesting parts of being a vinyl junkie is that sometimes it throws up some fascinating references that have become a mere footnote in music and entertainment cultural history. I will use Tony Fayne as an example: he here is, looking rather dapper, on this 'British Institutions Explained' Philips E.P from 1961 (an album with the same title was also released) that was nestling in amongst a frankly shocking selection of singles at a chazzer. Not wishing to leave to shop empty handed, I took a punt on this and passed over my 20p to the nice lady behind the counter. When I got home and gave it a spin, I was pleasantly amused by his stand-up comedy routine on Garden Fetes, The Police and British Railways.. all of these subjects, held up pretty well, compared to their latter day equivalents. It goes to show that, nearly fifty years on, us Brits are still exasperated by and also affectionately mock these national institutions that rule our daily lives. It must be one of the glues that hold us together socially, a national characteristic, that runs through to our funny bones. This is a vein of humour that is deeper than all the rapid surface level changes that influence our fast changing society.

Mr Fayne was, judging by this recording, a good raconteur, with a heavy reliance on the power of puns and clever word play that the English language affords it's users. However, a little further research reveals that he was a veteran of the London Palladium scene, who had supported Judy Garland on her London debut. Initially, Fayne was part of a double act with a Philip Evans who wrote the material. They specialised in doing impressions, in synch, of BBC sporting commentaries and appeared on shows such as 'Variety Bandbox' and 'Calling All Forces' He went solo in 1958 and also had T.V appearances on 'Toast Of The Town' which later became 'The Ed Sullivan Show' to his credit but what intrigued me most was that he was the straight man, to the redoubtable Norman Wisdom, in a comedy partnership that lasted forty years.

Scratchy has now resolved to partake in his afternoon tea break beside the tiger rug from now on, whilst wearing a crushed purple velvet jacket and a bow tie, all in honour of that gentleman of timeless chuckles - Mr Tony Fayne.

http://film.guardian.co.uk/interview/interviewpages/0,,442585,00.html

http://www.swalwelluk.co.uk/picpages/pic-radioef.html

Cliff Barrows and Billy Graham

Back in the day, before we had the interweb and such like, one of the essentials of spreading the word would be to press up a slab of vinyl containing some preaching, hymns or happy clappy pop tunes, if they were trying to reach more of their flock. This has been a source of joy for me and fellow collectors of vinyl arcana, whilst sifting through boxes of car boot horrors, though not for the reasons originally intended.

Behold! Cliff as he leads a very fresh faced, the College Chorale from Van Nuys, California along with members of the church's high school young people from it's touring Jubilaires Choir, in a number of medleys praising the good lord with all the panache of a hip friendly uncle. My copy is a U.K pressing from 1966 under the Herald label and comes under the banner of Word Records, which proudly boasts of being based near Watford, however further investigation reveals that Word are originally based in Waco, Texas. Thankfully, for this nice bunch of teenagers, the F.B.I hadn't got it's cult busting tactics sorted back then, especially as those guitars are being held in a very offensive manner! On the back there are sleeve notes provided by the one and only Billy Graham, who was 'The Don' of evangelical preaching.

This leads me on nicely to "Man in the 5th Dimension" which is a bit of a classic among the record oddity scavenging community. It's the soundtrack to his landmark 28 minute film shown at the New York World Fair in 1964/5 telling the story of mankind from the beginning of time (disclaimer: the accuracy of this history of mankind cannot be verified and may go against scientifically accepted knowledge, if you know what I mean) His message of "Peace Through Understanding" was presented in the octagonal pavilion's 400 seat theatre. Near the building was a 100 foot high tower which was topped by a brilliant sunburst, which you can see clearly illustrated on the album cover. The entrance gallery had a transparent, multi-colored globe, six feet in diameter, which was marked to show the places the minister had carried his worldwide Crusade for Christ. What a show, what a showman!

Sadly this film has been lost in time, but fortunately we have the record, providing us with a fascinating glimpse of a pivotal moment in evangelical history and American culture at large.

“Man in the 5th Dimension” (1964, USA). Shot in 70mm Todd-AO, this short film starred Billy Graham talking about the world situation and how salvation could come about through the embrace of the Bible. Designed to be shown at Graham’s pavilion at the 1964 New York’s World Fair, it never played theatrically and has not been seen since.

taken from http://www.filmthreat.com/blog/?p=965

Phoenix Mars Lander & Space Vinyl

Last week, those clever bods down at N.A.S.A managed to land a space probe on the surface of planet Mars. In celebration of this exciting and rather tricky feat, I have dug out some souvenir singles. The 'First Men On The Moon' was released by the Smithsonian Institution in Washington D.C, which is the National Air and Space Museum. It's a tenth anniversary edition of the Apollo missions specifically the 1969 'Apollo 11' journey. It features the voices of Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and Michael Collins bouncing about on the Moon or recorded in a top secret warehouse in the Ohio Desert next to 'Area 51' if you happen to believe the conspiracy theories. This particular seven inch cost someone $2 and makes a fine memento of their museum trip. Wouldn't it be nice if other such similar institutions pressed up slabs of vinyl to be sold in their respective shops instead of the usual cuddly toys and novelty diary sets of tat that currently clutter up these cash cow outlets. I would be much more eager to hand over my hard earned dosh for a lovingly crafted record commemorating the seventy millionth anniversary of the passing of the dinosaurs commissioned exclusively by the National History Museum for instance.



The second record has the the theme music from the masterful movie '2001: A Space Odyssey' from Stanley Kubrick of the book by Arthur C. Clarke R.I.P. As all you classical buffs out there will know it's an excerpt from 'The Blue Danube' by Johann Strauss II and 'Thus Spake Zarathustra' by Richard Strauss. I bring to your attention the cover artwork which looks remarkably similar to the Phoenix Lander and considering the picture was drawn half a century ago, based on guesswork, I think it's a very accurate impression.

To see if N.A.S.A have found any little green man lurking under the rocks and dust...
http://marsrover.nasa.gov/home/index.html

Tor Anglia-Valsen

The ferry companies have hit choppy waters in recent years, what with the abolition of duty free, cutting the numbers of British boozers braving the channel in search of cheap Stella, along with the interminable rise of the low cost airline. What goes around comes around though, so today the resurgence in popularity of taking to the seas, as opposed to battling through Hellthrow to be herded onto a climate busting tin tube, means that ferry companies are back on a crest of a wave. However, if they really want to press gang more punters onboard, I suggest that they release a fine piece of promotional vinyl just like Torline did, presumably for their route to England circa 1960/70's?. What could possibly get you more in the mood for a continental holiday than receiving a 45 with a picture of a lovely young maiden holding a model of the ship you're just about to board. Dinky toys are lined up to represent that frustrating wait as you watch all he other lines of vehicles get waved through first. You are left fuming in the knowledge that all the window seats in the ship's bar will be bagged by the time you embark.

Yes but what about the songs? I hear you cry: well there's a jaunty accordion led waltz written by a Henry Fox that sounds like it's escaped from a Bavarian drinking hall and on the flip side a jazzy piano ditty that breaks into a roll'n'roll boogie with perfunctory English lyrics as thus 'Shake it to your left, jump it to the right, round and round we go, then jump with all your might, Shake it now, everybody's jumping because the band's swinging tonight' perhaps these are alluding to the vomit inducing Force 8 gale you're likely to hit in the middle of the North Sea on Torline.

Speaking of hurling, that reminds me of the last time I stepped onto a ferry in Roscoff with the mother of all hangovers as a memento of my visit to France. The overwhelming stench of petrol fumes tipped me over the edge and I proceeded to heave all over the car deck to the lack of amusement of one of the French crew members who wasn't displaying much 'Entente Cordial' at that moment. The rest of the trip was spent lying forlorn, in a stifling hot cabin with the company of my friend's tired and hungry kids to make sure I couldn't sleep it off. However, if I had been given a souvenir record for my troubles it would've all been worth it it! take note Brittany Ferries, "Valkommen Ombord" indeed...

Reveen

one - "Here is one of the World's Unique Long-Play Recordings" you're not kidding there matey!

two - Gaaaaze into the wonderful album covers which demand to be picked up and purchased.

three - Relaaaax into your favourite chair and listen to my efforts to hypnotise you!

four - Clooosssse your eyes and conceeentrate on my weirdly sinister Canadian voice...

five - Your eyelids are sooooo heavy and only my voice matters now.

six - Breeeaaathe deeply as you are getting deeeeeper and deeeeeper into this must have piece of vinyl.

seven - You are now wonnndeerrfuully relaaaxed even though my image on the front looks like I will hand out a Begby style kicking if you don't follow my instructions.

eight - You wiiiilllll give up all cigarettes even know you feeeel the need for one now more than ever, in order to calm your nerves, (see seven above)

nine - You wiiiiiilll enjoy the elevator classical piano music, lilting gently in the background.

ten - I am now in compleeete control of your listeeening habits!

you will play this masterpiece on a regular basis.

Well it worked for me as you can see, thank you Reveen for making these inspired slabs of vinyl.

Find out about his remarkable life here..

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Reveen

and more here.

http://www.robertlamar.ca/Reveen.htm

Read his amazing comic here.

http://www.misterkitty.org/extras/stupidcovers/stupidcomics105.html

Find out about that comic here.

http://blog.wfmu.org/freeform/2007/08/you-are-going-t.html

Listen to his Relax record here..

http://heinouberspace.blogspot.com/2007/09/relax-with-reveen-1978.html

Top Of The Pops Horrors

It seems unfeasible in these times of unlimited free downloads (legal or otherwise) that back in the day, music was a precious commodity. Those of us whose pocket money didn't stretch that far (kids these days don't know how lucky they are, moan, playstations, yabber, ipods, spoilt jabber, Scratchy grew up on black and white TV and sawdust sandwiches, grumble groan etc) had to make do with buying budget albums in order to be able to listen to the most popular beat combos of the day. These shiny platters were the predecessors of the ‘Now That's What I Call Music' series but with one vital difference, the songs were covered by session musos and more often than not only had a passing resemblance to the originals. The marketing bods did get one thing right though and that was sticking, what is known in the biz as a dolly bird, on the front cover. The series went under the moniker of ‘Top Of The Pops’ and sold by the bucket load in the 1970’s.
In the shadowy world of vinyl collecting there are many sub cultures that concentrate on their own particular favoured genre. A fringe group of these concentrate on collecting the whole run of the ‘TOTP’ series. Some even collect the ‘Now’ series, presumably because it is easily numbered and so this must be the runt of the vinylophile litter, however I digress. When I'm pawing through the Des O’Connor’s and the James Last's of the chazzer crate, I often stop to admire the scantily dressed lady attired in little more than a sparkly bikini and a winning smile, however I'm not tempted to covet this object. Recently though, I did a double take and pulled out the two beauties you see before you, for lo behold, it is the nations favourite page 3 girls Linda Lusardi and Sam Fox posing beneath a truly awful revamped ‘TOTP’ logo. I had no idea they were still releasing these albums into the mid eighties or that they had invested in famous models in order to bump up interest. Sadly, even their titular presence could not save this flagging genre, as the uber permed and blow dried yoof of that era had enough wonga to buy the real thing and so bad cover versions were consigned to a footnote of pop culture history (or at least until the rise of the boy band/pop idol TV)

http://retrotrash.org/topofpops.htm

http://www.easyontheeye.net/albums/totp/index.html

Cmon Get Happy! It's The Partridge Family

By popular demand (well err..one request) we have some top quality cheesy bubblegum pop from the early Seventies. The Partridge Family was an American t.v sitcom about a widowed mum and her five children, designed to be wholesome family entertainment like The Brady Bunch. Think of the Waltons crossed with The Monkees and.. well you get the idea. It ran for nearly 100 episodes and made a teen heart throb star out the main character David Cassidy. I'm sure many girls (and some boys!) had his poster pinned up on their purple flock wallpapered walls and what better to complement this scene than a nice slab of Partridge vinyl to sing along to. Of course, I'm far too young to remember them first time around but I couldn't resist picking up a couple of these records recently. 'The Partridge Family Sound Magazine' surprisingly did make me get happy with an array of catchy tunes which hold up pretty well in the bubblegum genre. It is thought of as probably their best album and is worth a couple of spins when you are in an Abigail's Party mood. The Partridge Family Shopping Bag is less spin worthy however and has the feel of a franchise running out of steam. It promised me a free shopping bag inside on the cover, which must be one of the strangest marketing promos ever, but that has long since gone.. Design wise, the cover really captures the commercial appropriation of sixties psychedelia combined with early seventies shouty colours aesthetic. Alan Partridge mixed with The Manson Family anyone?

http://www.cmongethappy.com/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Partridge_Family

http://www.bradyresidence.com/

http://www.monkees.net/default.htm

Belly Dancing Beauties

I chanced upon these delightful ladies partaking in the noble art of belly dancing on my weekend in the fair city of London. These were the pick of the bunch from a fruitful afternoon of chazzer mining and beer drinking. They are straight out of Lebanon from 1975 and are part of a series of 'belly' themed vinyl which now needs to be tracked down (another sub genre to fill in) The Aziza record is conducted by Nicholas Dick (and a fine job of it he does of it as well) and is released on the VOS Voice Of Stars label. The record on the right is on the the 'Voice Of Lebanon' label and proclaims that it is at the 'Farid El Atrache Nightclub' That sounds and looks like it was one hell of a night out for those lucky enough to frequent that establishment in those party times. Any further information on these will be greatly appreciated; the Lebanese belly dancing revival starts here..!

The Chipmunks Sing The Beatles

As a prelude to the latest Chipmunk movie heading your way to matinee performances at the multiplex, I present this vinyl beauty from 1964. On it, Alvin manages to massacre most of the early back catalogue of The Fab Four with a little help from his furry, buck toothed chums. It's a great cover though and really captures that bubblegum kid's pop culture of that era.. nutty stuff indeed. A big shout out of of sympathy for any parents out there who have to endure sitting through the cinematic version of these furry vermin.
http://www.chipmunks.com/